Some part of me is hating to admit this, but it's really been a rough day. It's an anniversary of something very important to me, and all I want to do is think about it. I'm failing to get my paper done, and I'm struggling to focus on anything but that. I'm hoping that writing it out will help, since I only write in my actual journal before I go to bed--that's something new I'm trying instead of having 30000 random loose-leaf papers of writing floating around my tiny room with all of my thoughts just spewed out on them, for my roommate/mother to pick up and read (whether it's at my dorm or at home).

I miss the thrill of remembering a year ago. It's gone, and I'm numb to all the things I want to feel right now. I broke down for the first time in a very long time last night. Maybe it hasn't been that long, but it feels like ages. And I don't like not being able to feel my emotions. Maybe that's why I've been so afraid of therapists and psychologists forever... and their meds. I called and talked to my best friend for 2 hours. It was relieving to know she's still here for me, even though she's forever away.

There are so many signs that tell me to keep holding on, and he seems to be getting closer, but I just am so afraid of getting hurt. I've been hanging on for dear life for 6 months... and now... I'm trying my best not to be afraid of what comes next. But I can't help it...

I miss the songs, I miss the connection, and I miss stupid little things like places and smells. I'm not being specific because it might give away who I am if it hasn't already been made too obvious...

I miss it all. But mostly, I miss my best friend-him.

03-30-06 14:53
If relationships, and broken realtionships left scars, just like any other activity... would we so willingly jump in or out of them? In a way, do those "scars" from relationships still still mark us for life?
03-30-06 00:26
I miss the way things were. I miss my spontaneity. My carefree-spirit. I miss my love. I miss knowing exactly what I wanted out of life, and exactly where I stood within all of it.

I miss my friends, and their acceptance of me, and everything about the way things were. We didn't need booze, we didn't need drugs, we didn't have to have a guy or girl by our side. And that was okay with all of us. Whether we were with or without a bf/gf, was okay. No one cared. Now, that's all it's about, booze, drugs, sex, partying, boys, girls... When did friends fall to become not enough?
The sex thing is touchy. It makes some heartbroken to think of, some jealous, and some afraid. It depends on what end of the line you're on when it comes to sex. Whether you have it, want it, or lost it. The booze and guys go hand in hand it seems, and possibly a false sense of confidence. While they have their boys and booze, they're losing their closest friends, and the people that matter most. These changes in all of their lives make it hard for me to matter. Makes it hard to show someone I'm worth keeping around.

I won't admit any of this to anyone face to face, or even over the phone now. Because when I did-I got a very upset reaction, from a friend who I care for very much.

Current song: Missing you, TYLER HILTON
Explique. 03-30-06 00:08
I'm not one to have the online journal. But it might be good for me. Musicalcares--because it's not musical chairs. My life is a constant rush to get someplace before the song ends. Cares instead of chairs, because my heart weighs out over my head, 10 to 1 in almost everything.
Hello, 03-30-06 00:05
My name is musicalcares. I'm new to elowel.